My Gift Registry

It all starts sometime in our early twenties. Our friends start getting engaged. They register for engagement presents. The wedding nears and they register for wedding presents. Not many calendar pages later, we get the notices that they have registered for baby shower gifts. The gifts don't automatically stop once the registration process ends because after that we get invites to all sorts of gift giving occasions honoring our friends plus their kids birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, retirement. Heck I even had a friend who threw herself a big divorce party.

Last weekend I enjoyed a stage production wherein my favorite act was the one with the always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride young lady decided to register for herself at the local department store. It started me thinking about how I might be able to register for something. I'm getting old. I've got it all figured out. If I register now, I'll be able to stock up for those golden years. If I work it right I'll survive without that retirement fund that my kids have spent. So here it is... the beginning of the list:

1. Cruise tickets to anywhere. Please check with me for available dates. I want to make sure none of the gifts overlap and hope to cover the entire calendar of my existence.
2. Limousine with young driver, one with patience, lots of it (he will only have to work if I'm not cruising)
3. A porter to carry my bags from ship to ship
4. Starbucks coffee cards so I can stay awake
5. Heavy perfume... what was that called? something like April Showers?? Or perhaps talc would be better, as long as it has a strong scent.
6. Blue hair dye, if I have any hair left, otherwise some new red hats
7. One of those canes with the rear view mirror, hidden flask (just in case), and horn
8. A walker - the kind with a basket for all my crafty things, with a seat to sit on, a purple one, so I can block the aisle in style
9. Red or purple reading glasses 2.0 and better
10. An Ipod with extra high volume control and hearing aids with lots of batteries
11. Cases of Ensure and Hershey bars
12. Depends, hopefully I'll still be a size medium. Even more hopeful, I won't need them but will just have them around for the less fortunate old friends.
13. Stretch pants with expandable waistband and gift certificates for Sweet Tomatoes
14. Soft soled shoes so no one will hear me sneaking up on them
15. Cases of Gas X, I don't want to be one of those old farts. Or better yet, a Kazoo so I can make noises from both ends.
16. A super powered scooter with blaring horn to warn people to get out of my way
17. A big totebag full of ziplock bags for buffet meal leftovers
18. A large coin purse filled with pennies so I can annoy the people behind me at the market
19. Scrapbooks and supplies so I can bore everyone with my memory pages
20. A rocking chair, one of those fancy massage ones with speed control
21. Large numbered telephone with your number on speed dial
22. A fill in the blank obituary form
23. Stationary and postage stamps so I can send you thank you notes, if I live long enough

Oh geeze... just make an appointment for me with Dr. Kevorkian, or whatever his name is.